why are u still affecting my life....

i really don't know what is really going on.

i have not been visiting my own blog because it brings back so much pain and bitterness in my life but i wont delete it as this is the only thing i have to remember RLGQ.

recently RLGQ has been in my thoughts again. this time not in a bad way no more.

i remember how we met before and how we actually started.
the feeling i felt when that first moment together.

i dunno why i am near to tears now.
maybe because i know its long gone.
those are just memories to keep.

i understand that he chose that other person because that other person suits his needs and criteria as a BF. i totally understand that. i kinda feel that i don't meet any of his criteria, i had that feeling when he told me that one of his friend had the exact criteria as himself in a BF.

i kinda miss talking to him... telling him about the stress that i face..... discuss about things to do, or should do... eating food that we both love... like the pork noodle in 15....

i cant find the feelings that i had with him but that doesn't mean that i would stop finding...

the only thing i regret so far is to have treated him the way i treat him just so that i can get over him sooner and easier...

after all that, i still find myself missing him so much and rejecting everyone that comes by...

i truly wish him all the best with the new person and life in general....

i still have a place in my heart vacant for him...

i know this is silly... to give chance to the person that hurts you the most to have a chance to hurt you again.... but what can i do??? i wish life would be shorter for me now as i have found the best days of my life and i do not want the memories to fade....

finally.... its over!!!

I have been waiting for this moment since ever.....

first of all... i finally got angry at RLGQ for all the things that he had done to me... and i couldn't believe i had the courage to send him an sms screwing him up.. seriously.. if you don't believe in me then don't. If you think i would spread "news" about you then in the first place you should not tell me anything at all... don't go round telling my friends what they can do or can't do.. plus they're not telling lies.. its the fact.. so if you're still so afraid then don't hang out with GAYS.. get a GIRLFRIEND and be STRAIGHT. if you want to stay gay, hang out with gays, live a gay's life... then be brave and face everything that will be thrown to you... i am so disappointed with you and myself... i can't believe you have changed so much till i don't even know you anymore. the brave and smart person i used to know is gone..

ok, enough with all the drama from that crappy relationship....

i was finally promoted yesterday after a long fight that i have in the office. i have sacrificed so much to get here and now i am finally here!!! ATL!!! woot!!!!

there are several times that i thought of giving up and just let it be... but of course there are people that stopped me from doing so... i really appreciate what they have done for me...
the night before yesterday, i was so nervous and was so afraid that i don't know what to say during my final interview. then, someone told me this " it's not about the experience you have, it's about how you sell yourself". influenced by that saying, i focused on selling myself.

i was trying so hard to be confident but not to the extend of being cocky... i think i managed to do so during the interview. i felt the change in me and it is certainly a good change..

i hope that after this, i will be better at what i do and not feel so stressed out by the workload that i have...

missing YOU...

It has been months that i have not seen your face. not heard from your voice.
i always wonder wat is going on with your life.. who would have thought that i will be this way...
i guess i really really love you...

everytime when you post your status in chinese, i always wonder what it means. is it good? or is it bad? but i always didnt get the answer. all i can do is to pray for you so that everything turns out good for you.

you are not my past neither my future... you are always my present.. although i am not crying anymore but you are the only person that i would think of when i am not working... all i want is to see you happy.. it hurts me if you are going out with others but if it makes you happy i wouldnt mind. i really want to be your friend but maybe not now... maybe in the future when you already found your prince charming.. i know i am not good enough for you.. sometimes i regret for not studying.. if i am studying at least you would understand what i am going through.. and i would also understand wat you are going through.., but too bad... i am not that rich to just study without working.. there is alot of things that are unfortunate for me...

now my mum is having the same thing as me.. she has 2 growth in her tummy as well... i wanted to tell you about it... i was really sad and didnt know who to tell it too.. but all i can do is just to cry because of what i have not done..

i duno why i post this here... maybe i am still hoping for you to read my blog.. i will wait for you till i cant stand it anymore.. now i can still love you in my heart so i will wait...

happy.....?

"so wat if it hurts me, so wat if i break down...."

thats wat i hold now in my life... so wat if all the bad things happen? we will still have to live on.. so don hang on to the emotions too long...

recently celebrated my bday.... first bday without YKW... i was really happy by the way to have received some wishes from those who i really thought wouldn't wish me...

like wat ppl say... don expect too much and u will be happy...

I miss U so much... and the love i have for U just keep growing even though i don see and feel U anymore.. but somehow i will still think of U from time to time.. and yea missing U...

wat can i do?? i always ask myself that... but the answer nvr come...

i am willing to wait.... i guess...

word for my dear...

hey dear,
i cant say enough of these words as i cant show them to you anymore. i love u.
i have given up trying to win u back because it always back fires. i initiate anything and it would work. i try to ask u out but u r always busy with ur friends. i tried sms but u don really want to reply. i wanted to call but i know that even if u answer. i would be the one that u want to speak to.
to u i am just a past. i am ur first and that's it. nothing more than that. but to me, u are the greatest thing that happen in my life emotionally. i have not felt love this way. i have not met anyone that is like u and i will not meet anyone like u ever. but all i can say is that i will always love u. regardless of anything that happen. i wish u all the best in life and most of all... is for u to have love. let the new person appreciate u and love u more than i do. so that u can live happily with that person. its not that i am giving up on us. i will nvr give up even mysterious person knows it. but for now, i will have to let u go and live ur life. i want u to have great bdays from now on. i want u to celebrate all the days that are important to u. i do wish that i could celebrate my important days with u. but only if u want to. i couldnt feel u anymore. and u know that i would give up my all for u to love me again. but if u say no. i will have to respect ur decisions. i will just have to keep my love in me for as long as i can. and hope that 1 day u will redeem them for urself.
i may be seeing someone but just so u know my love for u is just too great. i will be ur guardian angel. i will be there for u when others are not. but only if u let me be there. if u don call i cant come even if i am just right beside u. take care my dear. u were, are and going to be dear to me forever!!! nothing will ever change that... ever!!!

love,
your dear that failed...

its too difficult... i cant take it anymore....

after so long after the break up, i am still so in love with u. why is that so? aren't love suppose to fade like ur love for me?? i feel so tortured. everyday i have to put on a mask just to show ppl that i am ok. but the fact is i am not.

i felt like this is not a break up at all because in my heart, we are like family already. and this felt like a divorce instead. now that i think of it. it made sense now that all the morning smses is not replied at all. and when i ask u, u said that there is nothing to reply. and for months u only replied sms with questions. have it ever crossed ur mind to talk about it so that we can work things out? i guess not. that's why we are here now right.. and everytime i end the calls with "i love u" u will just reply "ah" and "ehm". have u ever thought of telling me the truth? what happen to being honest? i know i haven't really been honest to u. but my love for u is the most honest thing i can give u. i dunno what is going on with my life now. i really don't.

now i am so afraid to even sms u. everyday i felt like sending u an sms to show that i still care but i cant because i do not want to spoil ur day. as i know my sms is gonna make u feel disgusted, unlike sms from the other friends of urs. when i know there is a possibility of someone else getting u, it hurts me even more. i keep telling myself, its over and forget about it. but i cant. everything i do i will think of u. every other person that sms me and try to flirt, i will reply coldly. because i just cant. i cant hurt any other ppl as i know i only love u alone. i cant pretend to like them and hurt them because i know how hurt is the heart when its broken. i myself cant bare the hurt. everyday i pray so that everyone is being honest to u, they do not lie to u or even hurt u. but thats all i could do from now on. that time when i called u when u had an emo post on msn, i was thought about it alot of times, weather or not to call. but i finally said to myself, pride is nothing when it comes to comforting u. i just felt like u need someone to talk to u. even though i know that u have other friends to comfort u but i still want to be one of them.

i dunno if u still feel that i am being fake. when u told me the attention u received from me is fake. i felt like a lost soul. i really do. i feel like i have given my all and yet it is fake. and to see u smile when u get sms from ur other friends and an sms from me is only gonna make u angry, how do u think i would feel? i had been sad for u, i had been angry about the things that u have done to me when we were together... but thats not enough to kill the love i have for u. even though u don forgive me for wat i have done. u don even want to say that u forgive me when i ask for forgiveness. but i will forgive u for all the things u have hid from me. for all the things that u have done wrong to me even the break up. i forgive u for all that. and i pray that u will have a good life and that God will guide u through ur degree and that u will past with flying colours.

i would tell u all this myself but i am too afraid to talk to u or even sms u like this. so i will just post it here in my blog, if u read it then good. but if not its ok. at least u will someday know that i have said this before. take good care of yourself. and i will always always love u till the end of my life. not even if there is a new person in my life can take away the love i have for u. u r the one love for me....

after 3 weeks

after 3 weeks i really thought i could make u feel, i could make u think about us, or even give us another chance....

but apparently not...

i have always loved u and always will till the very last minute of that feeling.. love will definitely fade because it is not nurtured... to tell u the truth. i really love u more and more each day after break up... i fall for u every other day that i see u or i read about u... but i know u were so hurt by me that u wouldnt give me any chance at all.. i just want u to know.. i love and care for u... and it hurt me the most not because u don love me... is that u don wanna give chance for us... i went drinking and swimming in the middle of the night with my friends, thinking that i am over u... i certainly am not... but to help me forget u... i will do anything possible.. because u are my first and only real love for now... and i know its karma that i hits me now... and i will treat everyone the same now... i cant believe that u are so heartless to do wat u do to me... to see me hurt and yet not comfort me... i think u really deserve someone else... someone that could show u how i really feel when u leave me... someone that could show u how is real love like... i couldnt hold on anymore...

i will always love u my dear RLGQ... always... u have a room in my heart that i will keep for u... and when i die i will testify about ur love for me... how great it was while it lasted... i hope u too...